Setting: The throne room of the WAR GOD. There is an elaborate throne. He is dressed in armour with a large sword in his hand.
WAR GOD: And now, for my favourite part, bring in the human sacrifice!
(DEIRDRA is led in by the GUARD. She is either in chains or tied up. She is grinning)
DEIRDRA: Wow I can't believe it! This is my first time! It's so exciting!
WAR GOD: (He is deflated by her excitement) Do you know why you're here?
DEIRDRA: Of course! I get to save my village from being mercilessly slaughtered by sacrificing myself! Are you the War God? You are gorgeous!
WAR GOD: (Frowns) You shouldn't be happy about this.
DEIRDRA: Why not? I finally get to meet you!
WAR GOD: I am going to end you.
DEIRDRA: (Giggles) Don't threaten me with a good time!
WAR GOD: You'll be stabbed. Repeatedly. It's going to hurt.
DEIRDRA: You really know how to sweep a girl off her feet, don't you?
WAR GOD: You will die in agony.
DEIRDRA: (Sighs lovingly) I can really sense what a sweetheart you are beneath those death threats. It's like we're soulmates.
(They stare at each other in silence)
WAR GOD: You are ruining everything.
DEIRDRA: I'm sorry. Am I doing something wrong?
WAR GOD: Yes. You are not supposed to enjoy this.
DEIRDRA: I'm not?
WAR GOD: No.
DEIRDRA: Why?
WAR GOD: Because you're about to die horribly. You should be terrified. You know, begging, pleading, crying, bargaining --
DEIRDRA: Oh, I know how to bargain. If you kill me, I'll haunt you forever. Ours is a true love.
WAR GOD: No!
DEIRDRA: Am I doing it wrong?
WAR GOD: Yes!
DEIRDRA: You are adorable when you're angry.
WAR GOD: I give up. Bring in another one!
GUARD: Umm, your Murdership?
WAR GOD: What?
GUARD: She's the only one we have.
WAR GOD: What about the back up?
GUARD: Died of Syphilis on the way here.
WAR GOD: And the back up to the back up?
GUARD: Killed herself.
WAR GOD: Really? How?
GUARD: Drowned herself in a puddle of her own urine.
WAR GOD: Huh. Impressive.
GUARD: (Nods sagely) I know.
WAR GOD: (Mutters to himself) So she's all we've got. (A beat. He wanders over to the far side of the room. Then he tosses his sword on the floor and says loudly) There will be no sacrifice this year! Let the villages burn!
DEIRDRA: (Angrily) Hey!
WAR GOD: What?
DEIRDRA: I'm right here!
WAR GOD: And?
DEIRDRA: Sacrifice me!
WAR GOD: No.
DEIRDRA: Why not?
WAR GOD: I don't feel like it.
DEIRDRA: This is completely unfair! Do you know how long I've waited for this?
WAR GOD: Not long enough.
DEIRDRA: I had to grow up! I endured puberty, for years, just so you could kill me.
WAR GOD: My heart bleeds for you.
DEIRDRA: (Genuinely touched) Oh, you care for me? That is so sweet.
WAR GOD: It was sarcasm.
DEIRDRA: Oh. So what happens now?
WAR GOD: (Walks back to his throne) I will have the villages and everyone in them decimated. I will send you back to live alone. Forever.
DEIRDRA: (Gasps) You wouldn't!
WAR GOD: Try me.
DEIRDRA: That's not the deal! You kill me -- they live. I volunteered.
WAR GOD: You don't qualify.
DEIRDRA: This is bullshit!
WAR GOD: Guard, take her back to her cell.
(DEIRDRA screams and charges the GUARD. They fall together. The GUARD yelps and rolls away)
GUARD: Ow!
WAR GOD: What?
GUARD: She bit me!
WAR GOD: (Disbelieving) What?
GUARD: She bit my shoulder!
WAR GOD: That is disgusting.
GUARD: She bit me! Like a dog! What is wrong with her? Ow! It stings!
WAR GOD: Huh. I'm ... (His eyebrows knit together as he searches for the worlds to describe this strange new feeling) I admire her.
(While the GUARD and the WAR GOD have this exchange, DEIRDRA flounders to her feet and struggles to the sword. She fumbles it up and kneels, the blade pointed at her heart. Once she's in position the WAR GOD notices her.)
WAR GOD: Oi! Girl! What are you doing?
DEIRDRA: (Glares at him) What you wouldn't.
(They stare at each other.)
WAR GOD: You are psychotic. I like it.
DEIRDRA: I don't care. You killed my dream.
WAR GOD: (Smirks) I'm quite good at that.
DEIRDRA: You talked about stabbing me. I figure if I run myself through on this sword my sacrifice will be good. I'm not a total idiot.
WAR GOD: (Studies her) You are diabolical. (He bows)
DEIRDRA: I'm just looking for a noble death. Why can't you give me that?
WAR GOD: You are much too enthusiastic.
DEIRDRA: So?
WAR GOD: It's off-putting.
DEIRDRA: Can't a girl love her Grim Reaper?
WAR GOD: No. That's not the way it works. You blubber, I murder.
DEIRDRA: Stubborn god. Fine. I'll murder myself then. It's going to be glorious.
WAR GOD: Not it's not.
DEIRDRA: Why not?
WAR GOD: You lack the flair and experience. Death is an art.
DEIRDRA: Ooo, keep talking like that. I'm going to swoon onto this sword.
WAR GOD: You're so dramatic.
DEIRDRA: Dramatic like a pretty girl?
WAR GOD: (Disbelieving) Did -- did you just fish for a complement?
DEIRDRA: Maybe.
WAR GOD: You're about to kill yourself and you want to be complimented?
DEIRDRA: (Shrugs) I don't know. I've never been thought of as pretty. I figured this was my last chance.
WAR GOD: (Uncomfortable) You could be pretty, I suppose.
DEIRDRA: Aww, thank you!
WAR GOD: If you were screaming.
DEIRDRA: Uh huh.
WAR GOD: And you were covered in blood.
DEIRDRA: Oh.
WAR GOD: And your head was chopped off.
DEIRDRA: Umm, that's excessive.
WAR GOD: And maybe if --
DEIRDRA: Okay, stop. Just stop. You're making it worse again.
WAR GOD: You're the one looking for complements from a murderer.
DEIRDRA: I thought we shared something. I bit your guard --
GUARD: It still hurts!
DEIRDRA: -- And you bowed to me.
WAR GOD: Momentary lapse of insanity.
DEIRDRA: You are impossible. Well, good-bye then. I've been waiting my whole life for this. (Stabs herself) Ah! Oooh! It burns so good!
WAR GOD: (Walks over and snatches the sword away) Give me this! You imbecile. You are nowhere near your heart.
DEIRDRA: (Glares) Really? You couldn't let me enjoy this for a moment?
WAR GOD: Not when you're ruining my sacrifice, no. You've bled on my blade.
DEIRDRA: (Grins) So it counts?
WAR GOD: No! You're not even dying.
DEIRDRA: (Looks down) But it hurts. I'm bleeding and stuff.
WAR GOD: (Peers at her) You nicked a rib.
DEIRDRA: Are you sure?
WAR GOD: I know my torture.
DEIRDRA: Figures. I can't even murder myself properly.
WAR GOD: Some things really should be left to the professionals.
DEIRDRA: You know you could always finish the job.
WAR GOD: No. I hate you.
DEIRDRA: Perfect! It'll be a crime of passion.
WAR GOD: No.
DEIRDRA: Why not?
WAR: Because then you would win.
DEIRDRA: Win?
WAR GOD: Yes.
DEIRDRA: You think this is a game?
WAR GOD: Of course it's a game! And I always win. Always.
DEIRDRA: You know my blood's on your sword.
WAR GOD: Minor technicality.
DEIRDRA: But it bothers you. So that means I'm somehow winning.
WAR GOD: Ha! My only concern is that your craziness might be catching. Wouldn't want to stab the next person and have them in ecstacy.
